mind/matter

“It ended before we could taste the beginning. She succumbed to the scripts of a concrete heart, a scoundrel’s diary, a player’s game plan. She was scared I’d see in her what she never wanted to exude, because she’s still scarred from the last even though I am her first. But it was never part of the plan, you know, falling for a stranger who seemed to have always known me. Erased all the reasons why I was afraid to fall for another, leaving no reason why I saw her harmless. But now it all makes perfect sense, it couldn’t have been real, must have been some form of drug overdose. Now I’m undergoing withdrawals symptoms. Can you distance yourself from someone in fear that they’ll do it first & it will hurt, real bad?… But I see clearly now that the ‘her’ I thought he was never existed, she was just an image of one I dreamed of.. & all those wasteful hours dreaming of an idea & not a human.. I still feel the memories in her absence, memories I shared with a ghost from a dream. She was everything I thought she never was & nothing like I thought she could have been. But even with all this knowledge, I stupidly sit n wait for her to come by, something always brings me back to her or rather ‘her’ shadow . “Let go, let it all go.” They tell me But they don’t understand how good it feels to hurt this bad, the immunity my heart has built for this kind of pain. Yes call me a masochist because I simply love her & hate how it hurts”